Okay, I’ve slept on it and I’ve come to a conclusion: I hate The Desolation of Smaug. Let’s turn back the clock a bit. When I heard The Hobbit was being made into two movies, I was a little concerned. When those two movies became three, I grew even more concerned. This is Peter Jackson, after all, which meant three-hour movies. A 300-page book spread out over nine hours? Yeah, we’re going to have a pointless scene with Smaug and Naomi Watts playing in the snow. However, when I saw An Unexpected Journey, I was pleased with the integration of materials from The Unfinished Tales and the stronger buildup to the LotR trilogy. The movie was still a little longer than it needed to be, but I was satisfied with it.

However, even with material from the periphery to expand the narrative, what happens when all that runs short? How do you fill the gaps? Well, The Desolation of Smaug answers that question. With bad fanfic.

Much of what is terrible about TDoS centers around the character of Tauriel. When I heard there was brewing controversy around this OC female Elven warrior, I didn’t pay it much heed. Now, before I go into this rant, let’s set something straight for any cuckleheads out there. I’m not opposed to strong female characters. I love strong female characters. I love ’em in the fiction I consume and the fiction I create. What I don’t like is poorly executed “strong” female charas. For instance, one of the more loathsome things about Van Helsing is faux action girl Anna (a rant for another day). In Tauriel’s case, being a canon foreigner stacks the deck against her right out of the gate, but that isn’t her mortal sin. Her mortal sin is being the Suest of Mary Sues this side of Bella friggin’ Swan. Let’s lay it all out. We won’t count her beauty on the Sue card because all Elves are supposed to be beautiful. So we’ve got a cool female warrior who’s not just a low-ranker struggling to prove herself in a male-dominated society. No, she’s the Captain of Guard. But, hey, she’s lowborn, so she’s just like us. Also, she’s not like all those other racist, isolationist Elves. She cares about the outside world and is tolerant of other races. She’ll stand up mean ol’ Thranduil and rebel against him to do what’s right, doggonit. Oh, and let’s not forget about the romance. Even if there’s the class difference, she’s got that dreamboat Legolas to pine and be pined for (though, admittedly, any romantic subtext between those two was about as clear as mud). And because we can’t have an Edward without a Jacob, she’s also got the dreamiest of the Dwarves fall for her. Yeah, he’s a stubby ol’ Dwarf, but he’s just a little taller and instead of one of those nappy beards, he’s got that smexy bad-boy permastubble. Oh, and it’s a deep emotional connection, too. Starlight and stuff. Also, in addition to her near flawless warrior skills, she’s also a talented healer, too. What a perfect pretty progressive princess.

Merciful Heaven, where do I begin? I don’t even know. I’m not the certain of person to delve into fanfiction, but if Tauriel doesn’t feel like a self-insert OC, I don’t know what does. She was made for the express purpose of shoehorning in a female character into the story. They showed signs of trying to do this with Arwen in Fellowship, but that idea was mercifully killed in the cradle. Using her in place of Glorfindel was a pragmatic adaptation and I let it slide. A lot of people go on about the dearth of strong female charas in the Tolkien mythos. Well, guess what? An author in the 40’s writing in the model of 8th Century epics. Who’s surprised? Not me. Trying force modern sensibilities on such material is just asinine.

While we’re on the topic of feminism, let’s talk some feminism. Tauriel is clearly meant as progressive pandering, but guess what? Her character is entirely wrapped up in her love interests, Legolas and Kili. I’d say that fails the Bechdel Test, but I suppose it requires two females. I’d like to believe that the true goal of feminism is to give females their fair shot based on their ability and talents. In other words, the end game should be that so long as the ability is there, it shouldn’t matter if a male or a female is in the slot. However, Tauriel has been so deliberately engineered that it’s downright offensive. And you want to know the real kicker? I probably wouldn’t mind the character half as much in any generic fantasy story. It’s her imposition that is such a large part of the problem.

I’m going to make a rather bold statement here. Tauriel is worse than Jar-Jar Binks. Yeah, I went there. They’ve got more in common than you might think. Both are intrusions in an established canon that the director thought was a terribly good idea. However, at least with Jar-Jar, everyone in universe recognized he was a fool and we could sympathize with Qui-Gon’s annoyance. There was some self-awareness and terrible comic relief is practically expected because comic relief character tend to miss more often than they hit. With Tauriel, we’re supposed to take her seriously and that’s what makes her worse. This original character gets grafted in and we’re all supposed to love her for what a special super snowflake she is. Well, I’m not buying what you’re selling.

Moving on to the romantic plot tumor, I mentioned in an earlier parenthetical that the romantic relationship between Tauriel and Legolas was largely informed. Yes, we hear a lot about how Legolas cares for her, but all I really saw was aloof contempt. (Legolas was rather unlikable in the film. Shoehorning him in wasn’t a great idea either.) The main event was the Tauriel/Kili ship, which was terrible. I’ve heard about being strangled by the red string, but this is the first time I’ve physically felt my own neck go taut just observing a crappy romantic subplot play out. Ugh…

Let’s go back to where I was talking about Jar-Jar. I’m a Star Wars fan. I actually enjoyed the prequels more than I didn’t, though I don’t rewatch them regularly like I do the Original Trilogy (theatrical cut, of course, because screw all the extra crap from ’97 on). Episode I was the worst of the three, of course, primarily on account of Jar-Jar, but Jake Lloyd’s Anakin wasn’t much better (I actually kinda feel sorry for him now that I know what the role did to him and his career). Anyway, the point is that I kept watching and though I completely ignored the theatrical Clone Wars film, I’ll be there in the theaters 2015 to give Episode VII its fair shake. You know where I won’t be in 2014? In the theaters to see There and Back Again. TDoS killed it for me. I actually wanted to leave the theater but decided I was going to get my $10 worth for better or worse. I’ve seen some bad movies before, but I never wanted to get up and leave the theater. Even friggin’ Transformers 2 I sat through, dagnabbit. My grandmother and I have a tradition of watching the LotR movies in the theater going back to The Two Towers (I was stationed in Italy when Fellowship came out, you see), but this year I’m going to break that tradition. I don’t want to see TDoS again. I’m not going to see it again and I’m not going to see Numero Tres either.

Now, I could end on that, but let’s talk a little about the positive. Martin Freeman’s performance? Outstanding. Same goes for Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug. If you just skip to the climb up the Lonely Mountain, you might have a good time. Naturally, WETA’s work is top-notch, though they go a little too over-the-top and so it looks a bit fakier than in previous films.

Bottom line: Stretching The Hobbit out to three movies was a mistake. Tauriel is a terrible character. I want Peter Jackson to pay me $5. (The aforementioned performances of Freeman and Cumberbatch are at least worth half the ticket price.) And I’m done, on so many levels.

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